


Somewhere in the Caribbean...

by doolabug



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: M/M, god-awful Mary Sue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 15:17:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13320936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doolabug/pseuds/doolabug
Summary: A horrible POTC Mary Sue fic, featuring members of the fandom. With smut.





	1. Somewhere in the Caribbean...

Of having her own pirate ship she's often wont to dream  
Then off into the sea she'll slip, a lusty Pirate Queen  
With a crew of warrior women, there'll be nothing that they fear  
And they'll bring along for luck, a Buccaneer

Then on and on adventuring, they'll travel far and wide  
She'll always use her sextant, and the stars shall be her guide  
With lots of jolly plunder to keep the crew in cheer  
And they'll bring along for fun, a Buccaneer  
\---from _Victory at Sea_ by Rebecca Troon

 

Jack came to on the deck of a strange ship, lying on his back and looking up into the faces of a dozen young women.

“I’ve finally copped it, haven’t I,” he said. “Copped it and stowed away into Heaven when God wasn’t looking.”

“You’re not dead. Well, not today at any rate.” The voice was feminine but commanding. “Step away, lasses, and let the man breathe.”

The faces peering at him disappeared and Jack sat up to see a small, slender woman gazing down at him from the quarterdeck. Her quarterdeck, by the look of it. “And whom do I have the honor of addressing, madam?” He could be polite when necessary.

The woman grinned at him with a mischievous twist to her lips that Jack recognized from his own mirror. “I’m Linaelyn, captain of this vessel, and you’re now my prisoner. Welcome aboard the _Twisted Wench_ , Jack Sparrow.”

Jack slowly got to his feet. The other women had gone back to the running of the ship but all were keeping sharp, assessing eyes on him. The vessel was smallish, but fast, Jack noted, cutting cleanly through the waves and heading southeast. He glanced around him to see neatly coiled lines, clean canvas, and spotless decks and knew this captain ran a tight ship. Then he noticed the crew’s attire. Low-cut blouses, fitted corsets, and short pants resulted in bosoms and bare legs assaulting him from all directions. A very tight ship, indeed.

“Must I be a prisoner?” Jack addressed the captain as he looked around. “Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I’ve been held in worse conditions.” Cleavage flashed in his direction. “Much worse. Oh yes.”

“Dove! Put your cleavage away! Please pardon my ship’s surgeon, Captain Sparrow. You see, we haven’t had a new man aboard in quite a while. And yes, you must.” Linaelyn gestured toward him. “You may join me on the quarterdeck.” It seemed more like an order than a request so Jack complied.

“Kindly put your hands behind your back while my Master-at-Arms restrains you. Dala, if you please.”

A woman who appeared entirely too young to hold such a post approached him with a length of leather cord and a gleam in her eye. “Aye, Cap’n Lin,” she said and looked at him expectantly.

“This really isn’t necessary. I’ll be good, I promise,” Jack protested, at which Lin scoffed with a loud “Ha!” and motioned Dala to carry on.

Dala tied his wrists securely, with much unnecessary but not unappreciated pressing of her breasts into his back. Jack wondered just what sort of ship he’d been captured by.

“Just what sort of ship have I been captured by?” he asked, testing his restraints and finding them not uncomfortably tight.

Lin turned to him and adjusted her battered tricorn. “Fabu, you have the deck,” she said as another small woman stepped up. “My first mate,” the captain indicated the competent-looking brunette and moved back to stand next to Jack.

Jack studied the woman now checking the log. “Shouldn’t she have red hair?”

Lin ignored him and carried on. “ _Twisted Wench_ is a pirate ship, Captain Sparrow, but unlike any you’ve ever seen. Not only do we take, we also give.”

“Give what, and to whom?” Jack now wondered whether the crew perhaps had some unsavory condition in their naughty bits, a thought not helped by the surgeon leering at him again.

“Oh, we take our share of jolly plunder, naturally, but we also like to, well, do our part for mankind, as it were.”

The captain’s evil chuckle disturbed Jack, so he changed the subject. “Why is that red-headed Amazon leering at me?” Jack looked around. “For that matter, why are they all leering at me?”

“Do you see the man aft by the taffrail?”

Jack looked back and for the first time realized he wasn’t the only man aboard. A lanky, dark-haired man sat on the deck, leaning weakly against the rail. He looked healthy enough, just tired. Very, very tired.

Lin looked fondly at the man. “That’s Estel.” Hearing his name, the man started and looked around warily. Lin continued. “He’s a good sport and really quite a trooper, but there are rather a lot of lusty young women aboard, you see, and he just doesn’t get enough rest. Keoki! Take your hand out of Estel’s pants and bring us a tot of rum, will you?”

Jack stared at the man. “Lucky bastard.” The woman who apparently was Keoki patted Estel and began to make her way below. Estel heaved a great sigh and relaxed once more against the rail. Jack returned his attention to the captain. “She’s your steward, I take it?”

“Yes, though she helps herself to the rum.” Lin gestured toward the rest of the crew. “Perhaps I should introduce the rest. Our surgeon you’ve, uh, met. She’s a good one, but seems to spend a lot of time with the animals, especially the goats. She really likes those goats.”

“Who’s that with her?” Jack asked.

“Ah, that’s the ship’s master. Or, as she prefers, mistress. Juni. I haven’t quite figured out what it is she does, other than habitually plot mutiny. A regular fetish with domination she has. Spends a good bit of time with Dove, telling of her plans for global supremacy.”

“Aren’t you worried she might act?”

“Not really; she’s a lot of talk and besides, Dove is too preoccupied with the goats to assist her. Also, Juni is good at keeping the rest of the crew in line.” Lin pointed to another girl, dark ringlets falling around her face as she repaired a section of decking.

“That’s our Monkeypuzzle, ship’s carpenter. Quite a hand with a saw, whether on wood or bone.” Jack shuddered as Lin chuckled. “She does mutter about ‘futtocks’ a lot, however. Ah! Here’s our rum!”

Keoki handed a glass to Lin, then turned with another to Jack. “Tip your head, sir.”

Jack lifted his chin and the entire crew stopped what they were doing to watch the steward pour rum down his throat. It was the first time Jack had ever felt self-conscious about his drinking.

Lin tweaked her steward’s cheek. “Just leave the bottle, sweetling, and you can go. No, leave Estel alone for now.”

Jack heard twittering in the rigging and looked up. Three girls stared back at him from the mizzen crosstrees. “What the hell….!”

Lin looked up and waved; the girls waved back. “Those are our rigging monkeys. The next generation for our Wench.”

“But where did you get them?”

“Well, the two smaller ones are mine. The eldest, Amber, belongs to our helmsman.”

“HelmsWOMAN!!” shouted the helms, erm, woman from her place at the wheel.

“Sorry, Hazel.” Lin leaned toward Jack to whisper, “She’s just married and has left her husband ashore to come adventuring with her daughter. As you may imagine, she’s a bit, hmm, pent up.” She looked aloft again. “YK! EK! Come and say hello to Captain Jack.”

Amber sat imperiously swinging her legs and ignoring the roll of the ship as the two smaller girls slid down the mizzen backstay, the smallest one dropping to land on Jack’s shoulders. “What’s this!” she cried, picking up a hank of Jack’s hair where a large bead was threaded. As she began to gnaw it off, the older girl fingered Jack’s red sash.

“Don’t undress him, just say hello and run back up!” Their captain-mother swatted in their general direction and the girls smiled at Jack before scampering up the ratlines. Lin smiled proudly, “Just like their mother – always undressing the pirates.”

“Captain, Dove and Juni are plotting destruction again. May I flog them?”

Jack turned to look at the short, exceedingly busty woman speaking to the captain. She had a long, black leather whip draped around her shoulders, its fringed ends trailing into her cleavage. There was rather a lot of cleavage on this boat, Jack mused as he realized she must be the ship’s bosom, er, bosun.

“Doolabug, you just flogged them two days ago and it didn’t do any good, did it? Perhaps you’re not flogging them hard enough.”

“Oh, it was hard enough to make them squeal. I like it when they squeal.”

“Be that as it may, leave them alone. I don’t like to disturb Dove when she’s doing that to the goats. Go and help Monkeypuzzle instead.”

The bosun pouted, “But she keeps saying ‘futtock’ and snickering.” She brightened as she looked up at Jack. “Can I flog him instead?”

Jack looked at her warily and sidled behind the captain, more than a little disturbed at the way the bosun fondled the whip’s wooden handle.

Lin grinned. “Not just now, my dear, but I’m sure he’ll need it at some point. Go on, then.” Doolabug looked satisfied with this and flung the trailing end of the whip around her neck like a scarf, blowing a kiss toward Estel and making him wince as she went forward.

Jack swallowed dryly, well aware he’d narrowly escaped. “Might I beg another spot of rum?”

“Fabu! Kindly rebutton Estel’s shirt and tend your own business now.” Lin looked around at Jack. “Oh aye, here’s my cabin girl,” Lin said as a beautiful young woman appeared on the quarterdeck. “This is our Beauty.”

The blue-eyed girl regarded Jack with an air of… Jack couldn’t put his finger on it. Though quite lovely, she seemed somehow… sinister. His initial reaction wasn’t changed when the cabin girl pulled out a wicked-looking knife and began to clean her fingernails.

“Beauty, find those glasses Keoki left and pour us another!” The girl flicked her knife closed and regarded Jack unblinkingly as she wielded the bottle and handed the brimming glasses to Lin.

“Open up, Captain Sparrow,” Lin tossed the rum down his throat and Jack again saw the entire crew watching. He licked his lips and a shiver ran through the boat. Now he was getting scared. 

“Juni! Dove! Put those belaying pins away and let Estel alone.” Lin shook her head. “Poor man. Never a moment’s rest.” Jack was unconvinced about the ‘poor’ part.

Jack coughed. “Erm, is this your entire crew?” How many gorgeous young women could possibly be interested in piracy, after all?

Lin sighed sadly. “No, Wench is missing a few. Some we’ve sent off to school; Lizzie O’Malley, Watersword, and Firesignwriter are all getting educated, the better to represent our interests ashore.” Lin pitched her voice higher, saying loudly, “Perhaps their education will prove more useful than for OTHERS we sent to school.” At which Jack saw Dove and Doolabug drop their heads and become suddenly extremely interested in a blob of tar on the deck.

Lin continued, “Another of our missing crew is a habitual Stowaway – disappearing for months at a time and then we’ll find her in the hold one day. Then there are the twins – they’re like One and the Same person. You can tell them apart by their tattoos but you have to know where to look. They’re taking a spell ashore. Then there’s our Pir8Fancier…” She trailed off in her narrative, looking a tad sheepish.

Jack pressed her, “Where is she?” He’d assumed all the crew fancied pirates, seeing as they were pirates, and he was a pirate too and of course everyone fancied him. Besides, what could possibly embarrass this captain?

“She, well, she’s fallen in with a bunch of wizards and has run off with a pointy-looking blond boy in leather trousers. We’re all quite worried, actually.” Lin continued, “A couple more were going to accompany us on this cruise but couldn’t at the last minute: Sarspasm is tending to her hedgehog, and Cymbeline is representing us in the first annual Guatemalan Bellydancing Tournament.” Jack was sorry to have missed that.

“Elessil and the ShriekingEll are in far-away lands and Commodorified has gone walkabout. GeekMama has been occupied with pirates on the west coast. Gryphon’sLair is consumed with her baby and a fascination for cows.” Jack wondered about this crew’s thing for ungulates.

Lin went on, “And FairestCat and Commodoresexual…”

“WHO??!?” Jack exploded.

“Commodoresexual. Why are you looking like that? It’s her name. Anyway, they have their heads in another galaxy these days it seems.”

“Captain!” Lin and Jack both turned at the call to see the helmsma.., helmswoman standing at the taffrail, staring to sea. Estel, his shirt half-off, sidled away from her, seemingly glad her attention had been diverted. “A ship there!”

“Where away, Hazel?!” Lin hurried aft, spyglass in hand.

“Astern, just now sails up on the horizon.”

Lin snapped the glass shut and strolled back to Jack. “That’ll be the Navy, then,” she said with a wink in his direction.

“You don’t mean to turn me over to them, do you? Norrington would be all too glad to get his hands on me.”

“That’s what I’m counting on, Captain Sparrow.” The smirk was back on Lin’s lips as she called forward, “Where is Hannah? Send word for my coxswain.” The entire crew snickered and Jack knew he was lost.

********************

The two ships hove to, wallowing in the waves. A figure on the Navy vessel waved and Lin returned it.

“Ceria, hold the chasers on them steady, now. Even though we’re expecting them, it is the Navy after all.” The gunner stood ready over the long bronze gun, peering down its barrel toward the warship. Lin continued, “If necessary put a shot over their bows. If you can do it without touching a hair on a Navy head you may have Estel to yourself tonight.” Ceria grinned and adjusted her sight. Estel whimpered.

Captain Lin donned her coat, shoved a flintlock in her belt, and stood ready as a boat rowed across the short distance. A white-wigged figure sat ramrod-straight in its bow.

“Dala! I’m in need of your services. Release Estel first, please. Yes, the gag and blindfold too. Thank you. Now, please take Captain Sparrow below and lock him in the brig. You may untie his hands but watch him closely. He’s a slippery one!” Lin smacked Jack’s arse as he went by, making him jump.

Dala led Jack below and he saw the rest of the crew gathering in the waist as they awaited their visitor. “What’s going on? She won’t really give me to the Commodore, will she?”

The master-at-arms held his upper arm to help him down the companionway into the hold and Jack felt her breast pressed against his biceps. “Aye, Captain Sparrow, I believe she means to do just that. But not in the bad way.” Dala showed him into the small cell, pulled off the leather binding his wrists, and gave him a knowing smile as she locked the door.

***************

The cell lock clanged, waking Jack from his fitful nap. He stood to see a truly amazing sight. The Commodore, at gunpoint, being pushed into the cell with him by the master and the carpenter, both of them touching Norrington rather more than was strictly necessary. He distinctly saw Monkeypuzzle put a hand on his arse to give him a push. Juni looked pleased to have a gun in her hand.

“Captain Linaelyn! What is the meaning of this? It’s treachery! Vile treachery and I expected better of you.” Commodore Norrington was displeased, apparently.

“Now Commodore, it’s not as bad as all that. Just give me a little while and I guarantee you’ll come, uh, come…, come around. Yes, come around.” Lin seemed a little flushed.

Just then the Commodore noticed for the first time his cellmate. “Oh, this is untenable! It’s bad enough you’ve imprisoned me, but I cannot abide this small space with a pirate.” Norrington looked down his patrician nose at Jack. “Particularly with this pirate.”

Jack bristled. “Why Commodore, the pleasure is all mine.”

“Boys, boys!” Lin chuckled. “We’ll just leave you to get reacquainted, as it were. And don’t worry, it’s only for overnight.” She cocked her head as she studied them, “Unless, of course, you choose otherwise.”

Jack and James stared as Lin and her crew returned to the upper decks. There was much tossing of hair and touching and lascivious glances all around.

James looked around at Jack. “Did you notice all the cleavage aboard?”

“How can you not.”

***************

The ship had resumed its course; James and Jack could feel the roll and pitch.

Jack decided his long-standing feud with James could wait, for the moment at any rate. “Why do you suppose they’ve taken us? Have you tried to hang Lin too?”

James looked exasperated. “No. In fact, Captain Linaelyn and I have reached a sort of accord, if you will, regarding her activities. I never expected this.”

“Oh, so you thought you’d just row over, club me about the head, and row back?”

“Jack. Lin said she had information for me, something that was right before my eyes but that I didn’t understand. I had no idea you were aboard.”

“I know why you’re here.” The sinister cabin girl had silently crept into the hold. Beauty sat on the stair, twirling a strand of silky hair and flashing creamy-skinned thighs at them.

James and Jack moved close to the bars, peering out at her. “Care to elaborate, then?” Jack tried not to look up her skirt, but it was very short and right there. He failed spectacularly.

Beauty smiled evilly. “You’re to entertain us.”

James looked sternly at her, but she didn’t seem to care. “Entertain you. How?” He raised his chin. “I won’t put on a show, if that’s what you think.”

Beauty looked serenely back. “Oh, I think you will.” And with that she turned, flipping her skirt rather brazenly, and returned topside.

*****************

“Just look at them, Juni. They’re so pretty.” Dove sighed dramatically, her fabulous bosom heaving most fabulously and causing her bodice lacing to fear for its life. “Let’s take them out and play with them.”

Juni snorted. “Are you rabid? The captain would have us flogged, and for real this time. We can’t give Doolabug the pleasure.”

Jack and James huddled in a corner, clearly frightened. They’d seen how the surgeon touched the goats.

“Look, you’ve terrorized them. Bravo.” Juni stepped closer to the cell. “We won’t hurt you. In fact, we don’t want you to hurt at all.” She smirked at them. “We want just the opposite, actually.”

Dove poked her in the ribs, causing her to add, “Well, maybe just a little hurt. And then some comfort.”

“Yes, definitely some comfort,” Dove agreed.

James plucked up his courage and rose to address the ship’s master. “If you’re so concerned about our comfort, you’ll release us at once.”

“Oh no, Commodore,” Juni explained in a patronizing tone which she had clearly perfected, “First you find your comfort and then we release you.”

Dove smiled. “Your comfort is, in actual fact, right under your nose.” Her bosom swayed majestically with the roll of the ship.

James looked down, seeing Jack still huddled at his feet.

*********************

*pssssssttt*

*psssssssssssstttttt!!*

James awoke with Jack’s head pillowed on his thigh. He found he didn’t mind so much.

“PPPPPPSSTTTTTT DAMMIT!”

Startled, James looked toward the sound and saw a tall man looking through the bars at them. He tugged Jack’s hair to wake him. “Who is that?”

Jack peered through the gloom. “Ah, that’s Estel, the ship’s, erm, plaything, I suppose.” He addressed Estel, who was looking nervously over his shoulder, “What’re ya doing down here, ay?”

Estel winced, “Keep your voice down! I’ve only just gotten away and they’ll come looking for me soon.” He pulled the tattered remains of his shirt closer. “I’ve come to tell you what they’re about. And to give you this.” He thrust his arm through the bars, a small glass vial in his hand.

“What is it?” Jack took the tightly stoppered vial.

“Oil.” Estel grimaced as he sat on the deck. “You’ll need it.”

James had taken the vial from Jack and pulled the cork to test the contents. The oil was thick and fragrant on his fingers. “This isn’t enough for a lamp… what are we to use it for?”

Estel looked at them, his face unreadable. “That’s what I’ve come to tell you. You see, the captain, well, she’s convinced that you two, uh, should… be together.”

James returned his blank look. “We are together, as you can plainly see.”

“No, I mean together together.”

“As opposed to apart together? That’s patently impossible.”

Estel rubbed his eyes and decided the direct approach would be best. “Captain Linaelyn, and the entire crew as well, has decided you, Commodore, in association with Captain Sparrow should make the sweet, sweet manlove. They intend to maroon you on a desert island, figuring you’ll turn to each other rather than live alone.”

James sputtered, “WHAT?!? You must be mistaken. I’m not… Ja.., er, Captain Sparrow isn’t… That is to say, WHAT?”

Jack, who had been unusually silent, spoke up, “That’s what she meant by ‘do our part for mankind.’ Lin said that to me, right after I was captured. I didn’t understand at the time, and didn’t want to ask.” He turned to Estel and gestured toward the vial in James’ hand, “So why are you here, really. I know it’s not just to ease our way, as it were.” James’ jaw dropped at his words.

“You’re right,” Estel began, “As long as you’re here, you occupy the crew. I haven’t had such a relaxing afternoon in ages.” Jack thought of all the girls who had molested him on deck and wondered what a busy day would be. Estel continued, “If you were to, shall we say, redefine the nature of your relationship the crew would be entirely consumed, leaving me to recuperate.”

And with that Estel climbed up the stair toward the deck. Jack looked consideringly at the Commodore. James stared back.

**************************

“Well done, my dear.” Lin had been standing on deck, listening to the exchange below. “I think all they need is a little nudge, so to speak.”

She stroked Estel’s cheek. “Now let’s retire to my cabin.”

Estel beamed.

**************************

Below, in the small cell, Jack began to speak earnestly to James. Occasional fragments of Jack’s speech reached the straining ears of the girls on deck:  
“… small price for freedom…”  
“… they don’t mean us harm and will let us go if we do…”  
“… no one has to know…”  
“… silent as the grave…”  
“… how do you know? You might like it!”  
“… just relax and let me show you…”  
“… right there, eh? How about a little harder…”  
“… oh yes! Just like that!!”

By which time quite a crowd had gathered around the hatch.

************************

The day dawned bright in the little cove and _Twisted Wench_ pulled saucily at her anchor.

“Where’s the coxswain?” The crew snickered again as Hannah answered the captain. “Make the boats ready – we’re going ashore! Dala, bring the prisoners; Juni, give her a hand – stop clapping and help her, will you? No Dove, the goats cannot go. Doola, I doubt you’ll need your whip; well, bring it if you want to then. Monkey, come down out of the futtock shrouds; yes, it’s very funny. Keoki, I saw that – put the cork back in the rum, now. Fabu! Hazel! Let Estel up from there! Because it’s not fair, two on one like that. Are you sure he likes it? Seems to me he doesn’t have a choice. Well, alright then. Ceria, honey, I think that cannon is shiny enough. Yes, I see that it’s long and hard, but we need to go now. Beauty, put the knife away and stop threatening the prisoners. LET’S GO!!!”

A small flotilla left _Wench_ for the white beaches of the islet. The goats were left behind (much to Dove’s distress) and Keoki was only a little drunk. Jack and James sat together, whispering in the bow of the jolly boat. Lin thought it a most auspicious start to the expedition.

***********************

The waterfall wasn’t big, a drop of only ten feet or so, but it fell charmingly over a limestone outcropping and into a small but deep pool. Coconut palms grew close to the edge, shading the water with rustling fronds. The usually serene atmosphere was broken only by the squeals of a dozen naked girls. Splashing and giggling and sliding and groping and touching and…

“Best captivity I’ve ever had, mate,” Jack stated. He and James sat on a fallen palm log and watched the crew “bathing.”

“I can’t say I disagree, Jack.” James turned a dimple-wreathed smile on the pirate and suddenly Jack wasn’t watching the naked girls any longer.

Lin noticed the two men, shoulders touching and eyes locked, and began quietly to round up her crew. They climbed out of the pool, gathered their strewn clothes, and made their way into the undergrowth where a narrow trail led back to the beach. From there they fanned out to see what would happen at the pool.

They weren’t disappointed. It was all the girls could do to remain relatively quiet as Jack’s hands unlaced James’ breeches. Juni stuffed leaves into her mouth when James lifted the pirate with a strong grip under his buttocks and Jack wrapped his legs around James’ waist. Dove saw the leaves were actually poison oak but couldn’t be arsed to tell her because just then James’ right hand slid lower, his index finger disappearing into the cleft of Jack’s ass.

Jack hissed, the muscles of his back flexing, and Hazel drove her elbow into Ceria’s ribs, causing a serious contusion but Ceria didn’t notice at the time. James waded into the water and sat Jack on an overhanging rock ledge, pushing Jack’s thighs apart with his hips. Fabu began to keen, a high-pitched wailing, and Dala clapped her hand over Fabu’s mouth. Jack lay back as James poured the last of the oil from the glass vial over the pirate’s cock, causing Hannah to swoon. Beauty barely spared a glance as Hannah fell over.

James turned the vial in his hand, slicking it with oil as well. One hand pumped Jack’s cock and the other began slowly to push the vial between the cheeks of his arse. Jack arched, spreading his legs wider as the vial was worked gently into him. Keoki began to pound her fist into her own leg but the noise was drowned out by Jack’s moans.

James withdrew the vial and positioned himself to take its place, lifting one of Jack’s legs onto his shoulder. As he pushed into Jack, Linaelyn could be heard to whisper, “My work here is done.” James set up a slow rhythm, which Monkeypuzzle matched by yanking on a hank of Doolabug’s hair. Doola chewed on the leather of her whip and didn’t seem to be aware of the constant pulling.

James drove in harder, his thrusting hips causing waves to form in the pool. Jack murmured to him, words too soft for the crew to hear, and James pushed in and held still. Jack came. James shuddered. Juni spit leaves.

Lin felt a light touch on her shoulder and turned to see Estel. She didn’t know how long he’d been there, but his flushed face probably wasn’t from running, in her opinion. “Captain, Navy ship hull down on the horizon. We should go.”

“Aye. Help me gather the crew.” She pinched him. “You’re in for a long night, I’m afraid.”

********************

The boats were nearly back to _Twisted Wench_ when Lin heard a call from the beach. Hannah and Dala on the oars backed water as Lin turned to see Jack and James waving from the beach. Lin pointed toward the ship on the horizon, indicating they soon would be “rescued” from the island. James waved again and Jack tackled him to the ground, perching atop his chest and holding his arms above his head. He leaned down to nuzzle James’ neck, apparently not willing to waste a moment.

“To the ship, lasses, let’s leave them to it.” Lin wore a very self-satisfied smile.

“What’s our next project, Cap’n?” asked Fabu.

“Well, a little birdie told me that young Will Turner and his bride wouldn’t be averse to renewing their acquaintance with the Commodore. And you know Jack visits them from time to time. I don’t believe it would take much effort to encourage them to be friends with much friendliness.”

“Aye! Put your backs into it, girls, we have work to do!”

“I never got to flog him,” Doolabug said sadly as the figures of Jack and the Commodore rolling in the sand grew smaller.


	2. Somewhere Else in the Caribbean...

Our story opens in the Pacific. Well, actually the Caribbean first. Although really the Gulf of Mexico is closer. But technically it’s the Atlantic. Certainly it is not the Mediterranean. Or the Red Sea, either. At any rate…

_Twisted Wench_ sailed easily in the blue waters of the Florida Strait. She was headed toward the setting sun, and her captain had steered her to the north of the easterly flowing Gulf Stream. The captain meant to make for the Yucatan, and then south to round the Horn. New crew awaited in the port of San Diego (although she wasn’t quite sure where, exactly), and besides, she hadn’t pillaged the Pacific in some time.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Captain Linaelyn’s tanned face wore an expression of pained doubt as she faced _Twisted Wench_ ’s ~~master~~ mistress. 

Junie was adamant. “Of course! You have to go to the Pacific, and I’m pretty sure that’s a long way from here, and the merchant captain who we tort… tortur… dammit Dove stop poking me! Oh, oh right, erm, who we chatted with last week says Sparrow is in the Keys. We should stay.”

Captain Lin looked at the small, open boat bobbing alongside _Wench_ ’s starboard side. “But the _Leaky Tiki_ is so, well, leaky! I don’t like it.”

“We’ll be fine,” said Dove, “Just think, we have Junie to lead us, and Monkeypuzzle to sail. And me to take care of the goats. I mean, take care of any injuries or sickness. Totally injuries. And in conclusion, injuries.”

“So why is Doolabug going then? Suppose I need her to discipline the new recruits?” Estel, huddled in his customary place by the taffrail, shuddered on behalf of the unsuspecting new crew.

“Don’t worry, Cap’n, I can handle the new ones,” purred Beauty as she flicked her knife, “Besides, I want a chance to prove myself to you outside the cabin.”

Lin blushed and Monkey took the opportunity to chime in, “Someone has to restrain Sparrow if we’re going to lure the Turner boy out!”

“Besides, I never got to flog him last time,” Doola pouted, “and my new whip needs breaking in.”

Lin heaved a sigh. “Well, alright then. I still don’t like it, but if you can occupy Jack until we get back it’ll be worth it. Fabu, bring her about! Lay off and back wind! Keoki, I said back wind… have you been in the rum again?”

Monkeypuzzle went below to pack her sextant while Dove began to heave supplies into the little boat. A quantity of rope tossed aboard caused _Leaky Tiki_ to list alarmingly, precipitating a lively argument, with illustrative gymnastics, about just how bendy the Turner lad really was and whether more rope was needed. In the end it was decided that rum would work just as well. Or, considering it was the Turner lad, possibly peach schnapps.

Junie grinned up at Lin as Doolabug pushed away from Wench and raised the lugsail. “Don’t worry. What could possibly go wrong?”

The somber crew shaded their eyes as they watched the small boat sail toward the horizon and the chain of islands beyond. At least two figures were standing and there seemed to be some sort of argument ensuing. _Tiki_ wallowed and appeared to settle by the stern as Monkey bailed furiously.

Captain Lin shook her head. “This can only end in tears.”

***********

Several months later

“Alright, why are you crying.” Captain Lin gestured widely as she looked around. “Lovely white sand, turquoise water, palm trees. Granted, not much water but I’m assuming you knew these islands are called the Dry Tortugas for a reason.”

Junie patted Doola’s head nestled against her shoulder as Monkey shared her hankie with Dove, and answered. “Well, you see, we’ve lost _Leaky Tiki_. Jack, Will, and James are long gone. We’ve been marooned here for days and, worst of all, the rum is gone!”

“We do still have some peach schnapps, but it’s not the saaaaammme!” Dove sobbed.

Lin sighed. “Can’t say I’m surprised.” She looked up, “But Jack, Will, and James, you say? Just what has happened?”

_Tiki_ ’s erstwhile crew all began speaking at once:  
“Well, our plan went well to start. We found Will in the dead animal bar…”  
“And James too, but Jack was in Key West although dressed as a woman…”  
“He was racing with other cross-dressers… a drag race, I guess you’d call it.”   
“And then there was nakedness and sodomy!”  
“When we put on our clothes we plied the boys with schnapps and there was additional nakedness and sodomy!”  
“And they let us watch!!”  
“Jack said we could watch more, but we should go to Tortuga because we were frightening the locals. How was I to know he didn’t mean this Tortuga?”  
“We had fun here for a few days. Did you know you can get oil from coconuts?”  
“But one day we woke up and the boat was gone!”  
“And the boys were gone too!”  
“And the rest of the rum!!”  
“We already told her about the rum. Jesus, let it go!”

Lin shook her head. “Well, but they left together?”

“Yes, unless Dove has one hidden in there somewhere,” said Junie as she peered into Dove’s cleavage.

“Unlikely.” Captain Lin quirked an eyebrow at Dove. “You don’t, do you?”

“More’s the pity, no,” said Dove sadly. “Doola, I said I didn’t, now get out of there!”

“Well, I suppose you accomplished the ultimate goal and the three have settled their differences, at least for the moment.” The captain smiled at her crew. “Come on, then, we’ll get you back to _Wench_. Although you’ll have to explain to the others why they don’t get to see our three boys doing what boys do.”

Monkey sighed. “Three incredibly hot boys.”

“With coconut oil,” added Doola.

“Yes, they liked the oil. And the cheering,” said Dove.

“Especially the cheering. Although James doesn’t take well to direction,” mused Junie.

Lin gave them a look. “The rest of the crew is going to be so pissed off.”

The Fearsome Foursome looked around at each other. “Yeah, they so, so are,” Monkey grinned.


End file.
